Untitled

i don’t know why, but i’ve had anxiety really bad this whole month. today i had a panic attack and it was worse than most that i have had. i hate it, but i’ll live. especially because i refuse to live off medicine to make me feel normal half the time. no thank you. i think that’s part of the reason i’m making this in the first place though. i’m not even sure if anyone is going to ever read this, but i think it’s healthy to let out what you’re thinking atleast somewhere. even if it is to a computer screen. today was superbowl sunday and i can assure you i did not watch the superbowl. instead i watched titanic :) one of my favorites. i don’t know why america is more into sports than other things. i mean to each his own, but i just don’t enjoy it. maaaaybe if i had some wings or something i would though, but my parents go out all day and night for the game and leave me hanging with no heroes or any of the normal american foods that you would eat during the superbowl. i did watch half-time though like every year. the who was sick! opening with teenage wasteland-bad. ass. 2010 has been good so far, but i’m dreading valentines day. i usually love it even when i am single, but this year i know it won’t be the same. for a lot of reasons, but mostly because i am just striving love and have wanted a boyfriend for so long now. i’m sick of going out and being single, but mostly sick of coming home to sleep in a bed by myself without someone saying i’m in love with you or goodnight before my eyes shut. i miss always having someone to call mine and just hold with that feeling of never wanting to let go. okay i sound like a corny movie, but it’s true. i watched the jonas 3d dvd..again..today. my dad watched it with me……is it normal to say that was not the first time this has happened? why am i even asking? nothing is normal in my life ever. i’m okay with that though. i don’t think there is such a thing as normal. i’ve been saying that a lot lately and thinking if there really is a thing called normal, i’m not even interested in being a part of it because i bet it’s boring and un-interesting. i need a new lifestyle, but i just need to let it come to me. i’m hoping someone is going to come when i least expect it and sweep me off my feet. but then again i’m trying to expect it, so that isn’t going to happen. i’m going to the bahamas in a few months with my best friend and it is going to be out of control. we’ll be there for my birthday which i am so stoked about and she knows everything i love, so i can only imagine what she will have planned for july 26th hahaha. laughing just thinking about it. probably going to be the best birthday i’ve yet to have, especially because it’s my 18th. i AM expecting joe jonas in a big box with a hot pink obnoxiously big bow on top :) but back to the bahamas part, i need to lose about thirty pounds. and i don’t even know who will read this far so it’s not for attention, but i’m embarassed to go in a bathing suit and we will be in bathing suits ALL week. so if anyone has some crazy weight loss tips, i would NOT mind if you could help me out! i never sleep and it’s not healthy which is one thing i need to work on if i want to lose as much weight as i do and if i want to stop getting sick all of the time. there is this boy who plays guitar and sings VERY well and wants to start something with me, probably just cover some songs and put the videos on youtube or something, but it’s a start and i’m excited. i lost my voice probably for longer than a month, so our plans have been holding off for a while which is really annoying me. i have a piano lesson tomorrow after my long day at a dump and i did not practice even for a minute. sounds typical of me. i don’t know where all my time goes. this weekend went by so fast, i’m not sure why though because i didn’t do anything even close to crazy or anything i could write about here. well, besides seeing dear john. i know. i’m a crazy dare devil taking advantage of my weekend -_- but shutup! it was suppose to be really cute. which it was….i guess. it was more sad about things you go through in life rather than cute with the couple. they were corny and you could tell there was no chemistry. still made me feel alone; nothing fails with that. i knew this would happen and if anyone i personally know well enough reads this, they’ll laugh and say “told you so.” but i miss my blonde hair SO much it’s rediculous. especially when it was blonde and long. it is brown and fading and gross. i could care less at the moment because i’m always so blah now a days, but in a few months when prom and bahamas and summer and graduation (that all makes me feel crazy right now) it WILL be the nicest blonde you have eva’ seen! ;) (i hope..and pray.) i want to be famous more than ever right now. disgustingly famous and on a world tour. i’m not a complete idiot though, i know it won’t happen sitting here on my computer typing away. but it will happen. i pinky promise. and i never break pinky promises so :x and if anyone is reading this that doesn’t know me TOO well, is probably laughing at me saying i’m a conceited little bitch who thinks too much of herself and thinks she will be famous. and i could not care less about those people. like the ones who write mean things on me and my best friends formspring ..all..damn..day. it’s funny, but at the same time makes me wonder about the people in the world and why people thrive off being mean. i mean i’m not perfect, but i’m genuinley nice and don’t understand any of it. disregarding what people who dislike me for dumb reasons think, i am and things like this just make me think and i get so angry with the world. which than makes me think WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SUCK AS FRIENDS. i never know who will always be there for me or who i can tell something personal to and who i can’t, minus the select few who are basically my family..but i’m okay with that..i guess. i have to be. i’m a big girl i’m over it! ah that phrase reminds me of my friend who’s away at college that i got really close with over the summer. all we would say is “life’s good i’m over it” anytime something made us really angry or upset..which was every other five minutes. i was just telling her i miss her and if she reads this i know she’s thinking “this girls creepiness never fails..” NOPE! it really doesn’t. hahaha. i’m sitting on oovoo with my best friend. we’re both not talking. and she’s in the dark. me being the freak i am has all my lights on and am wide awake. and she just left my house an hour ago..when i got her call on oovoo. this is getting strange. i am overly nervouse about college. i haven’t heard back from any yet, not even bad letters. but i’m waiting! and that is it for that until i hear back because i don’t even like talking about it. i need to do a current event and didn’t which isn’t a good way to start of the new semester, but i can’t deal with even thinking of picking up a pen right now and reading an article and blah blah blah. i left my purse at a party last night (typical me, yet again) and i’m freaking out. it has all my makeup, my ipod, my id, everything in it. luckily this kid i know got it for me and brought it back to his house when he left, but he lives a little while away and me having a car not being able to find my keys is an issue. -_- someone wrote on my formspring a couple of days ago that i’m amazing, but i confuse whoever wrote it. it said i’m confusing and for some reason it’s came up in my head a couple times since i’ve read it and i agree with that person, i just don’t understand why i agree because i can’t think of why i’m such a confusing person. i guess i can never settle. i wish i was one of those girls who settle for the first thing (or in this case of what i’m really talking about..a boy.) that comes to them and it ends up being amazing for them. but i’m not even close. settling is barely in my vocabulary and when i settle (with someone..or anything actually), i usually end up unhappy for some reason or another. welp i am going to stop rambling and whoever read this probably now knows i’m a crackhead who never stops talking or thinking..or typing, but i need my sleep because unfortunately i am still in a dirty immature loud and smelly highschool that takes half of my life away from me! but a few more months and it’s over. scary. but exciting. way way way exciting. and i wrote a lot more than i thought i was going to. goodnight!